Hi there. Happy New Year. 🙂
2019. Wow. Jesus, that’s weird.
I have sucked at writing this blog and I have sucked at reading other people’s blogs. You know how every year at the beginning of a new year, everyone makes resolutions to do better? Well, I’d really like to write more on here and get acquainted with other bloggers. I find, along with everyone else I guess, that I waste too much time on Facebook. And for what, really. Yeah, it’s fun sometimes, but often I wonder what it would be like not to be connected to everyone all of the damn time. On a minute to minute basis, know what I mean?
I find myself thinking I should spend more time writing here, in my own little corner of the internets, instead of spending time on Facebook talking about the same old crap.
So today I thought I’d come here to tell you about something weird yet wonderful that I experienced this morning.
A few months ago, I found a You Tube channel I really like. It’s called https://yogawithadriene.com/
Adriene is a lovely yoga teacher–funny, real, and not a drill sergeant. She encourages movement in ways that feel good. Now there is a concept I can really get on board with.
Whenever I take my time to roll out my yoga mat to practice with her, I truly understand what she talks about. I totally get what we do. This is a fabulous thing on a few levels. One–I’ve always appreciated yoga, ever since I was a little girl in the 70’s and “Lilias, Yoga & You” would come on PBS after I watched “The Electric Company”. I would do the movements with Lilias, not really knowing what I was doing, but still enjoying it and knowing I was doing something good for myself. Also, I spent years practicing hardcore as a young mom, going to studios and being at the top of my athletic and fitness game. It was all about being “the best”, and doing everything “just so”.
Then, in 2008, I had my ass handed to me. I ended up throwing in the towel with all self-care after the deaths of my parents.
I won’t go too into all that, but I will say I gave up being active for a long time. Kinda like for the entire duration of my 40’s.
So after last year, when I totally broke down and suffered in a whole lotta pain and I eventually went thru hell to heal, I gained a shit-ton of confidence in myself in the process. Nowadays I’m older, a little more laid back, and I’m no longer the wonder worker-outer I used to be.
And that is OKAY.
I still get around more often than not. I literally cannot tolerate being lazy.
So I discovered Adriene, and I joined her new 30 Day Yoga challenge called “Dedicate”. It’s cool. You decide to go for it, you roll out your mat, you crank the videos and you go at your pace with this girl who is cool, nice, funny, and wants to help you learn more about yourself through the practice of yoga.
I was going to start yesterday when the program started, but I ended up spending my husband’s last holiday day off having fun with him, so I started Dedicate today.
In my room, which used to be my son’s bedroom, I climbed on my mat. And with Adriene’s guidance, I went at my own pace, listening to her lead, breathing deep, taking time for myself. I couldn’t ignore the fact that sitting on the mat hurt my lower back a little, but I just acknowledged how I felt, realized I feel sad because I am not as young as I used to be. I never had pain when I was young. I’m also no longer as athletic or flexible. But I kept going anyway. I was proud of myself, being able to keep up. A couple of times I took little breaks–preferring to lie on the ground while Adriene was doing some pose. 🙂 But, like I said, I got back up again and kept on going. At one point, I started to cry a little. Not from being in pain, but I experienced an emotional release from realizing that
I’m never going to get any younger. I am who I am. And who I am is a 51 year old woman who has already spent years being young and active and a busy mom who could run circles all over the place every day. And it’s okay that I am no longer her, well…like her, I mean…anymore.
I thought to myself…You know what, though? I’m not dead yet.
I’m just *different*.
Then, as I was bent over letting my tears and everything else go, I started thinking about what a great life I’ve had. I have an awesome husband and kids and house and life. Even though I am no longer some young pain-free chick anymore, I am still vibrant, I have tons of life left in me, and I have lots to offer and look forward to.
Then I thought about when I talk to other people about getting older, often people tell me stuff like–
You’re not old! 50 is the new 40! You’re still young!
Shit like that.
I know they’re trying to be positive and nice, but that kind of stuff kinda bothers me.
I don’t want to “okay” growing old by making it something it’s not. Growing old is real and, in a lot of ways, it’s actually cool. So don’t candy-coat or cover up my aging process, but respect it. I think a lot of people are not okay with that. I get it. Aging can be scary, it’s true.
Maybe I shouldn’t try to commiserate with others about aging, huh. Probably not. Most people are trying like crazy to avoid it. I just want to make peace with it and maybe even embrace it.
So I thought, you know–yoga might be a good practice to take up yet again to help me do just that.
I found that I had a good time on my yoga mat this morning, so much so that I shall return to that mat again tomorrow.
Even though I cried today, it was a good cry. I felt totally thankful and alive.
It’s such good stuff. And I deserve good stuff.
We all do.
If you’ve never checked Adriene out and you like yoga, get your butt to her channel soon.
I promise—you will not be sorry.
I’ll finish this post by saying thank you so much for reading, and–
<hands to heart>